There seems to be a race...a human race. I am not talking about it in the frame of mind that we are one big human race. No, this is the race that seems to exist among people in my stage of life. Not everyone runs and I am in no way trying to make judgements on ANYONE. I just have been noticing some things that make me think this.
The other day a woman from my ward told me she is tired of people asking her if she is going to have more kids (she has one about 2-year-old). She asked me this and wondered what my thoughts were about it. I do want more kids, but I want them when Kent and I are ready for them and not when others decide that we should have them. Then I get online and see friends from Utah who are my age and have anywhere from 3 to 5 children and for a moment my mind hits a little panic and thinks wow are you behind or what? Then I assure myself I am not running in this human race. Kent and I already multiplied. If we never multiply again that is our choice. I mean really we have to live with the kids we produce. WE alone will raise them so we have to be prepared to handle them.
Then there is the other side of my life. The Oregon years. I have many friends from Oregon who aren't even married. In fact they don't seem to be concerned about entering the institution. I had one friend I talked to who has been dating a girl for 6 years and they don't want to rush into anything. I had to laugh. I would never hear that scenario here. So I guess I am somewhere in the middle. I am married with one child and I do feel a little sense of hurry, but I am in no way interested in racing to the finish line.
My idea of the perfect life for me is to wait a little bit to have each child so that I can enjoy each of my babies. I loved playing with Braxton and having no one to demand I feed them or change them, etc. If you are my age and have three or more kids I applaud you. I know that you are busy and life at your house is quite possibly a little crazy. I know that for you it works and I am sure that most of the time you love it. Don't forget however that just because that was your choice you don't need to pressure anyone into doing it your way. No one has pressured me, but I know it is done so be cautious of this.
For those of you who are in absolutely no rush I know that you are where you want to be. I think it's great that you are taking your own time and not giving in to the rush around you. To me, I love my life. There are places I could be and even places I wouldn't mind being, but I love where I am because this is me. This is my life and it is what I make it. I love my son! I love my husband, and I know that I will love anyone who is added into this life! For now this is the life I can handle and I am thankful to have the blessings I do.
7 comments:
you should tell people who bug you just to shush! We are all almost 4 years apart in my family and I will tell you I think its great! There was enough space between all of us that we had our own friends and events, but not so much that we couldn't enjoy each other and have things in common! While that worked in our family it may not be what someone else would want so how about everyone worry about their own self and not anyone else! =) I will step off my soapbox now!
You know, I have kind of a different way of thinking of it which gets to the same conclusion. I don't think we really get as much outside pressure as we think. You showed us that there are two extremes to be found out there when it comes to having families and I think depending on what our priorities are, we will measure ourselves against one or another. Human minds loves to compare, contrast and categorize. If we are measuring ourselves against the girls our age who have 5 kids, when we hear that famous, "So when are you having kids again?" we perceive PRESSURE!!! When perhaps the other person is simply asking a question that popped into their heads. I myself have asked the question, but it is not out of pressuring, but understanding what their thoughts are on the matter. It may be at a time when I am considering the same thing and would like to hear their thoughts. Granted there are those that do ask and make comments with the intent of hoping you'll "see it their way" but I find those to be fewer and farther between.
Didn't mean to be so winded, but basically what I'm trying to say is it's all of what we make of it. You are so right in that everyone else aside, if we find happiness and contentment with our lives NOW the way it is TODAY ... that is where true joy is. Not in chasing that "someday" dream.
That reminds me ... I remember when I was in the hospital, somebody complaining about something, a headache or something like that, and saying, "Oh, I'm sorry ... I know I shouldn't complain because the pain you have is so much worse." I almost laughed and said, "Just because I'm in pain doesn't mean your head doesn't hurt!" There's always going to be someone who has it "better" or "worse" than we do, but it does not negate what we are experiencing (whether it's negative or positive). Like my weight loss success this week, does not negate your progress, Marlies or mean you didn't work as hard. I am still in awe of how you have stuck to things and use you as motivation for knowing that I CAN do this long term.
So there's my novel ... Great thought provoking post!
Marleelee I have 4 kids in 6 years and at least 2 of them have early onset bi-polar. If I had had any idea how intense my children would be I would have spaced them 3-4 years apart. It is too late now and I do not have the time or energy to give them all they need and it really stresses me out. Jonathan and Joseph are 3 year apart and it is so much easier that 18 months or 2 years. Even then, those two should have been 4 years apart. Anyone who won't mind their own business when it comes to someone elses procreation rate needs to mind their own business. Oh, and I think if you do more they would be very cute!
I think there is a big difference in "When are you going to have more kids" and "Are you going to have more kids". I think that women get way to sensitive on this topic. People have quit asking me these questions, because I am at the lucky number I guess! Sorry, run on sentence. I ask the second question, but only to friends or family that I am close to. It is a little personal, but we go into other personal topics too! So why not! It lets me get to know more about the person I am talking to. If I hadn't asked it, I wouldn't know that a friend had just gone through having a miscarriage or that another friend is going to have her ovaries out. I also had a friend that was only able to have one child. If you don't ask, then you will never know what is going on in other peoples lives. Don't be afraid to tell people that you want to spend time with your kids or that you are having trouble with infertility. Or that you just don't like kids. Us mothers who have five, even though mine are spread over sixteen years, aren't trying to force having lots of kids. We just want to know more about the people in our ward or our family, or we are just plain nosy!
and don't forget all the couples who have difficulty having any children at all, and when thoughtless people bug them about 'having children' or having more if they were able to have any. Seriously, can't people understand that everyone has their own perogative and beyond that, the Lord knows what we all need. Children are a gift from God, not to be taken for granted.
Marlise, thanks for directing me to these comments. They are super great and insightful. All of you friends have great points.
I am trying to not be so obsessed with figuring out the future. Like the song "Lead Kindly Light,"
in the last verse it says, "One Step enough for me."
I am trying to live by that moto. I don't need to decide right now what my future holds. right now I know Conner is enough for me, and some day, who knows when, I will be ready to have another one.
Thanks so much for understanding. It is so nice to know someone else feels the way I do.
I started to write when you first posted and I got sidetracked. But my thought as the same as Carriezworld. I think the majority of the time people are just trying to make small talk and in no way are trying to be offensive. I have learned over the years the only way someone can offend us is if we let them. I lived in Idaho when I found out I was expecting my first and (as a new mom) I could not stop talking about the adventures of a new baby. We were not planning on having a baby for awhile, but got preg totally unexpected. One day while we where going around visiting teaching my partner and I began talking about the new baby, and she began to cry. I asked her what was wrong. She said her and her husband had been trying for several years to have a child and have not been able to and here I wasn't planning on having a child for awhile and was able to no problem. She was just so frustrated and hurt. Now I did not mean to be disrespectful to her thoughts or feelings by talking about my baby all the time and how happy and excited we were. I had no idea what was going on in her life, and even though I had done nothing wrong to this day I fell so bad about my carelessness around this pour sister. I learned that people are going through things and have issues we don't know about and from then on I tried to be more respectful to those around me.
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