The right to choose

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." (2 Nephi 2:27)


This is the scripture that came to mind today as I  had my ah-ha moment. Braxton is quite obedient and so good to help me out. He's so good that sometimes he oversteps his bounds with trying to help his brother do the same. Today I was asking Cort to come in the house while I vacuumed up the dirt he dumped from his dump truck onto the carpet. Braxton jumped up to "help" Cort be obedient. I continued to ask Braxton to leave his brother alone, but he just had to help him obey.


Cort allowed Braxton to help him, but as he did I said, "Braxton, sometimes I want Cort to choose to listen all by himself." AH-HA! In that very moment it occurred to me that as adults we often times are guilty of trying to force obedience. How many times have we tried a little too eagerly to "help" someone to the gospel when they are not ready (or help them do anything they are not ready to do for that matter)? The Lord has a plan for everyone, and if he wanted everyone in this world to have the gospel they would. However, we know that his plan includes a choice. Freedom to choose to BELIEVE in Jesus Christ and live with God again or also the freedom to choose NOT to believe.

I have a conviction that there will come a time in the history of men when it will be so plain and clear who Christ truly is and all that He has done for man that it will be easier to believe in Him than not. If you know and understand that concept the urgency to "convert" someone will leave and the desire to love someone as they are will increase. We will understand that while we may not choose the same things for ourselves or our families that we each have that choice to make and it is according to our own understanding and desires that we make those choices.

We should still share our love for the gospel and testify of Christ whether someone is ready or not. We would be well advised to consult the Lord in our efforts and love others how they are right now. If our example leads them to Christ and inspires them to make changes then great! Sure we want our closest friends and family to be happy and have the blessings of the gospel in their lives, but we must remember the old saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Invite, encourage, and set an example that is worth following, but above all remember that it is the spirit that converts hearts not man. Trust God's plan and know that as we share His word that He will tell us who is ready to come unto Christ and when. Until then allow others the right to make their own choices and love them regardless of what those choices are. After all the second greatest commandment is, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself!" (Matthew 22:39)

Spelling Words

The other day Braxton was working on spelling his sight words. I told him that if he could spell 6 words right then he could use my foam letter to spell the next word. As I looked at the paper he had spelled "sex" (six). I laughed to know that first of all he misunderstood that he had to spell 6 words and not the word six and then to spell it incorrectly with an "E" instead of an "I" made me laugh! Nothing better than sweet innocent children who have no idea what they are doing!

Making a Difference

Yesterday I attended my brother's college graduation with my youngest son. It was a challenge. I was so relived to be home where my baby could get a nap. You would think with all that stimulus he would be so exhausted and he would have slept during the 2 hour car ride, and he did, until I had to stop 15 minutes into the trip home. Between the non-napping, chasing my son around at graduation, and a lack of sleep I snapped. I read two emails from customers who wanted to be removed from my mailing list. Big deal right? Not the first time it's happened and I am sure it won't be the last, but somewhere in me I could not allow myself to see a silver lining. All I could feel was unloved, rejected, and refused.

Prior to my breakdown I was reading a book about a woman who had over 90% of her body burned in a plane crash and who survived to tell her story. As I read I found myself being envious of this woman. It made no sense to be envious of someone with terribly difficult challenges just in performing everyday tasks, but I was. I thought of how her difficulty had made people aware of her and want to follow her life. Then negative thoughts began to beat on me. 

"No one wants to here from you. Do you even make a difference in anyone's life by being here? People only care about you if you have amazingly difficult experiences and your life has been truly hard. You haven't (as the speaker said yesterday) flown to the moom or cured cancer, and you aren't the President of the United States so who cares, you can't really make a difference." It went on in this terribly negative manner and even brought me to tears. I wondered why I felt SO unsuccessful and couldn't seem to stop these thoughts. 

Then it hit me. I don't have to fly to the moon, cure cancer, be the President of the United States, or survive some terrible accident or illness to make a difference. I can make the greatest difference by being the best friend, the best wife, the best mother, the best neighbor, etc. I have many ways I can help my friends and neighbors and those within my sphere. Even still one way I can make an impact whether large or small is to recognize the challenges I do face and share them with a hope it will help someone find strength or courage to overcome their own challenges.

What's my challenge you ask? Staying mentally healthy and taking care of myself especially when life gets a little hard. While these challenges seem small they can be terribly difficult and very real especially when these thoughts go unchecked. Today I was not only blessed to see why these thoughts are wrong, but in talking with a friend I was given an understanding of how truly real and serious these thoughts can be when one is dealing with them. It is often one of the most difficult ailments to get a handle on.

After dealing with these feeling yesterday I thought I had overcome them, but soon after a wonderful sacrament meeting I found them coming back to my mind in Sunday School. Cort began to be loud I just didn't want to deal with trying to keep him quiet anymore. I decided to take him into the Relief Society room. When I walked in there my friend's husband was in there and I spoke with him briefly. He had to step out to do some things in the clerks office. After he left I found myself feeling very alone and felt like running home to literally escape that feeling. I justified the idea with the thought that then I can be a good mom and take Cort home to get a nap. There was so much I could accomplish if I went home. As I began to leave the bishop walked by the room and I waited. Then a member of the stake presidency who lives in the ward walked by and again I waited. When no one was in the hall I made a mad dash for it. As I rounded the corner to my car I saw a Sunday School class sitting on the lawn listening to their lesson and noticed the very Young Women I would be taking to Girl's Camp sitting there. 

I thought, "How can I lead by example if I am leaving church? You can't Marlies. You HAVE to go back in." I knew the thought was right so I listened. I went in to attend my Relief Society Meeting and was a little less than excited when I heard the lesson was on a talk entitled, "The Abundant Life." Yeah great my super abundant life yeah right. As it turns out that lesson was exactly for me. Finally I gained the courage to share the feelings of my heart and it also opened the flood gates. I felt like a blubbering fool, but immediately felt heard and loved when I needed it most. That was miracle #1. It was an answer to my prayers.

After Relief Society the teacher of the youth's Sunday School class came over and spoke with me. She shared with me how much God loves me. She had originally intended to sit on the other side of the building with her class, but for some reason she could not sit down. She needed to sit over by the Relief Society doors. Miracle #2 was that someone who I had never spoken with listened to the Lord and blessed my life without knowing why she was doing it. Had her class not been there I would have gone home and missed out on knowing how much God loves me. Talk about making a difference? Her small and seemingly insignificant choice made a huge difference in my life today.

She also told me of the impression her daughter had the other day when I dropped off an invitation for them to attend my Discovery Toys Boutique. My son handed her daughter the invitation and she told her mom of the impression she had to get to know me better. This sister told me her daughter is inactive, but lives in the neighborhood with her mom. As I reflected on her story when I returned home I recalled a portion of my prayer this morning where I asked Heavenly Father to allow me to see one of His children return home. Perhaps he wants me to make a difference in this daughters life. Perhaps He loves me enough to let me do that.

Prayer does work. Our Heavenly Father does love us and is aware of our challenges. He will not leave us to deal with these challenges alone. He will comfort us and come to us in our time of need, but we have to be willing to take His hand and trust in His plan even when it doesn't make sense to us. Who knew that I would walk out those doors and that the only thing that would stop me from leaving would be my need to set an example for those young women, certainly not their teacher, certainly not the girls. Only my Heavenly Father knew how much I needed that lesson and knew how to keep me from leaving. Today I am more than grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me dearly enough to walk with me and protect me when I need it most. 

Back to Life as a Mother!

Today there is much to be done and I am sure it would be good if I could get it all done, but for now the to-do list is going to wait. The bread can wait to be made, the law can wait to be mowed and all those other items can be done later as well. Right now I need to take a moment to reflect on being better. The last two days I have been having a pity party. Poor me who has to endure the long hours my husband works. I probably won't see him again until October. Wahhh wahhhhh! Yes, please call me the wambulance.

Then this morning after my kindergartner went to school I hopped on Facebook while eating breakfast and saw an article about motherhood. I read it while my baby kept trying to get my attention and when I completed it I was inspired by the article to get down and play with him. I forget how therapeutic hearing a little boys laugh can be. We played hide and seek and I jumped out to get him and heard the most delighted giggle. I don't do that nearly often enough. I know I don't.

In the middle of all this play I was texting a friend and we were talking about motherhood. We conversed about how we should cherish every moment because they grow up fast. As my friend had made that statement I thought of my beautiful sister-in-law Holly who continues to battle a disease that challenges her daily life and fights her for her very life. I realized that even if kids did not grow up fast we truly have no idea how long we'll be blessed to raise these children. Even though I sometimes feel like chop liver when it comes to my boys the thought of not being here to teach them all I can makes me sad. The idea of them not having a mom breaks my heart. My baby not remembering me and not knowing how much I love him pains me.

I'm not sorry to say that the pity party is over. It is time to get to work on those things that need to be done. No more feeling sorry for myself because time is valuable. There is fun to be had, laughing, dancing, and singing to do, and in between some work to get done. There is no more time to feel sorry for myself. It is time to eat my fruits and vegetables, make a more concerted effort to get my workouts in, drink plenty of water and start living life as it was meant to be lived because as Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

Childhood Misconceptions

Many of the words in the English language have multiple meanings. For example the word "bat" can be a winged animal who is nocturnal, an athletic tool used for hitting a ball, and the act of hitting a ball. In fact some words have too many meanings to teach a young child all of them until a misconception has occurred. Such was the case with my 5-year-old tonight. I loaded my kids in the car to hurry off to the store and return an item. I realized after a moment that my car battery was dead from leaving the headlights on when after driving in the rain earlier in the day. My son was concerned so I told him that I would have dad "jump" it when he gets home, but until then we couldn't go anywhere.

Tonight as I was sending him off to bed he told me he didn't want dad to "jump" the car because someone would get hurt. He then bounced his hand up and down as if to show the car bouncing the the road. I had a good laugh and explained how the only thing that jumps is the electricity through a cable from one car to another. He seemed to be satisfied with that answer.

It reminded me of when I was a little girl. One of my funniest memories from when I was probably about the same age was driving down the street and my mom calling out with delight, "There's the Purple Turtle." Now in Pleasant Grove where my Aunt lived and taught my dance class there is a burger joint called "The Purple Turtle." Each time my mom exclaimed this I would quickly look out the window expecting to see a gnome like man with a pointed purple hat riding on his purple turtle down the street. I NEVER saw him and it was quite disappointing! I would say with exasperation, "I don't see it." My mom would then point to the burger joint and say "it's right there" or she'd say "sorry" and that was that. When I think about the image that I held in my mind I giggle. I can still see it in my minds eye today. It is so fun to relearn the English language from those who are learning it for the first time. Thanks bud!

The Spirit Will Guide

Last Friday night while Kent was working I was at home and decided to watch a movie on TV. During the movie there were advertisements about a new television series that would be coming up next. The show looked to be a little racy and I had the thought that I should change it when it came on. I convinced myself that if it got bad I could always turn it off. I watched and there was some questionable content, but it was fairly tame in my mind so I continued watching and when the show ended I thought I had found a new show to follow. That night when Kent came home the show was being aired again so I suggested he watch it with me. Kent liked it too and we were excited to see the next episode.

Sunday night was the new episode so I had it set to record and when we saw that it had aired we settled down to see it. Sunday nights are usually when I talk on the phone with my parents so I asked him to stop the recording and let me call my parents first and then we would watch it. He ended up falling asleep so we went to bed without watching it, but all the next day I was dying to watch, but I thought it would be polite to wait for Kent since he had planned to view it with me.


That Monday I turned on a talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks entitled, "Where Will It Lead?" He was speaking of the small and seemingly inconsequential choices we make and what path they will lead us down. He said, "As an example of things to avoid, consider the terrible consequences of partaking of anything that can be addictive. This includes not only tobacco and the alcohol that enslaved my friend’s husband but also the avalanche of pornographic material that assaults our senses on the Internet and in the popular entertainment, including movies and videos. Where does sampling this garbage lead? Church leaders and professionals alike affirm that it leads to the destruction of earthly and eternal family relationships—and sometimes even to prison sentences for abusive behavior. Get mixed up with this garbage and it will lead you to the landfill—the dumping ground of temporal dreams and eternal destinies."


When he said this my mind was immediately taken back to the thoughts I had while watching the previews. I realized that I had ignored those thoughts and therefore was now more tempted to watch a show that I could have easily ignored and forgotten had I listened at first. Now that I had ignored that prompting it was harder to make the right choice. I knew, however, that continuing to ignore that warning could potentially lead to "the destruction of earthly and eternal family relationships." I knew what I needed to do. So I picked up my phone and asked if Kent would be understanding of me deleting the recorded show. He said he was and so I deleted it. 


In retrospect I can see that even though I corrected my course rather quickly there was still damage done. Because I didn't listen the first time Kent and/or I could more easily be tempted to change the channel to that show when we see that it is on. Choosing to avoid it is a choice I can only make for myself and not for Kent. I know that curiosity could work at me and make me want to watch just a little more. Perhaps if I had not listened all would be just fine. Either way I know from my own and others experiences that it is better to listen and not know the outcome than to ignore and wish I had followed the prompting. I am very thankful for the wonderful mercies of the holy spirit.    

Heavenly Father must love me...

I thought I should take a moment and write down some of the joys associated with being the mother of two young boys...and this time I am going to write to them (my friend did this and I really liked it).

My Dear Favorite Baby in the World (at least for a little while longer hopefully)...You have been such a joy and a light in our lives. Today we went to the park and I loved watching you just toddle around like you were just one of the big kids. With your hair finally cut you now look like a big boy. On the one hand it makes you look so stinking cute, but on the other hand it makes you look WAY too grown up. You are such a happy boy and the one thing I love about you is your interest in people. You will go to so many people with open arms and you just love everyone. As you are growing out of that stage a little with age I hope that it is just the stranger danger thing that happens at this age. It would make me sad to see you change. You have been so friendly and love attention from other people that I used to say that when we'd go to church you thought everyone had come to see you. You really are a wonderful boy. A few months ago you walked over to Sister Petersen at church and sat on her lap forever. You almost fell asleep, but you just couldn't give in. She said to me that you just had the most soothing soul. I liked that and I think that she is right. Heavenly Father MUST love me to have given me you to guide and mentor in life. I am so thankful for that calling. I love you baby!

Now, to my Favorite Kid in the World... I am amazed at your ability to remember things so the things I may say could be memories you retail later in life, but in case I don't retail them I will write them down. I have always remembered things from a very young age like you do so while it does amaze me how well you remember I also find joy in knowing that you will be able to recall much of your life now. You are such a wonderful and loving kid. You are so good to do what your dad and I ask of you. You handle responsibilities so well. You make me very proud. The other day I told you, "Heavenly Father must love me because He gave me you and your brother for kids." To that you replied, "No, Heavenly Father loves me because He gave me the best mom in the world." Thanks kid! I do try to be a good mom. I know I'm not perfect, but I have been so blessed to remember things of my childhood and also to learn more about how kids see the world. I try to take that knowledge and parent you the best I can with that. The other day when you went around and collected money for the school fundraiser I was so proud of the way you got better and better at each house. I thought it was great at the end how you tried really hard to say it all on your own. You said, "My school is doing a fundraiser, and I am doing a mothathon no, no, no a mopathon no, no, no (then I whispered in your ear & you said) a walk-a-thon. I want you to (can't remember what you said instead of sponsor) me." I was really proud of you for doing that and for reaching your goal! I also have a good laugh when we got to Baylee's house and as soon as they opened the door and you saw Baylee you grabbed her and gave her the biggest hug. I think of how one day you'll look back and laugh at your infatuation with her as your girlfriend. Until then I won't douse your dreams. I may have to tell her parents though that I really am not the one keeping this idea going. Kid I do want you to know just how very much I love you! Thanks for being the best first kid a mom could ask for! Love you!