Boxing day thoughts

Well my Computer isn't fixed, but I am determined to blog through it. Today Christmas is officially over and while I don't want to be negative there are a few things that I feel need to be said regarding yesterday. I woke up at about 6:15-6:30 am. Kent was still asleep as was Braxton and I wasn't ready to wake up. I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep with no success. I remembered that there were clothes on the couch that we had been too tired to fold the night before so I decided to get up and fold them. As most of you know I have been clinging with all my might to keep the spirit of Christmas this year and somewhere I dropped it and wasn't truly able to get it back.

We spent Christmas eve carolling with our friends Carrie and Taylor, and that brought me quite a bit of Christmas spirit, but come Christmas morn it was gone. After about an hour of folding clothes I was putting them away and it woke up Braxton so we went in and got Kent up. We came out and had Braxton open up presents which was funny considering he was happy to play with his old toys and not unwrap any new. Finally we got him to open some up and then Kent and I unwrapped each others presents. Kent got me this painting for my wall. I got Kent a golf package/certificate and some golf balls. We both enjoyed the gifts, but it just seemed so minimal compared to what we would have liked to have given each other.

I know that Christmas isn't about the presents, but I suppose that in growing up I have learned that it's the little presents and all the other little things that make Christmas seem so special and truly this year it just seemed like a dull and boring day. We weren't surrounded by friends and family. We didn't have fun new things to entertain us and we hadn't really shared with anyone our true gifts of giving. So all of these things combined and the discouragement (mostly the discouragement) of not being surrounded by friends and family left me in tears most of the day.

As I have had a little more sleep which allows for a little more perspective I have made a decision. When I go to my midwife this next month I am going to discuss with her some natural options to treat mild depression because I really believe that is where most of the problem lies. As I said earlier it runs in my family and my patriarchal blessing warns me against that. We live in a day and an age where we have knowledge about these things and ways to treat depression so I feel that I need to take care of the problem and get back to functioning normally again.

In retrospective Kent and I have learned a few lessons. We have learned that Christmas is a time of giving for us and it is difficult for us to not be able to give freely. We hope to manage our money better this year so that when Christmas does come we will either be able to travel and spend it with family or share some gifts with others and each other that help us to feel the Christmas spirit. Also I have learned that I need to be 100% on top of paying tithing at ALL times. That is actually where we got into trouble this year and I know that I needed to sacrifice to give the Lord what I owe him, but I would rather give it to him in faith at the time and not be scrambling to pay at the end of the year.

Another lesson I learned is from my sister-in-law. Her family took the money they would have spent on each other this year and gave it to a family in need and the story of their charity has inspired me. I think part of my problem is that I have made sure to get gifts for the other members of the family first and then for my family last and I honestly think I would have felt much better about the sacrifice if I knew that it was going to people who had nothing instead of people who had plenty and didn't need my meager offering. I love my family, but I think we are all doing well enough that none of us needed that little bit we gave each other. In fact in the last few minutes I have just learned of a family who will need much more than my family does.

My good friend and visiting teacher has been on bed rest off and on for a few months now. I just learned that in the last few days she has delivered a one-pound baby at 24 weeks gestation. My prayers and concerns are with her and her family. I understand there is a 50% chance this child will live and being in that situation must be the scariest thing in the world. Those of you reading this please keep the Davis family in your prayers!!!

Overall my holiday was fine, but like I said I feel that the most important thing I would change is meaningful time spent with family and friends. Something of which is difficult when you are working opposite your husband in hopes to be able to pay the bills and still have a good Christmas. It makes me wonder if that little bit of income is really worth the time away from my family, but on the other hand I know that it gives Kent peace of mind knowing that there is just a little more coming in each month. I hope that as you read this you don't think I am seeking pity because I am not. I know that there are those who have less than I do, but I don't want to forget the important lessons that this particular Christmas has taught me. I hope that you all are well and blessed with all kinds of good fortune in this year to come!

More glitches, yuck!

I don't really have much time right now, but I wanted to update you according to my life. I have attempted at two or three postings and haven't been able to complete any because I have computer problems again. Kent thinks he knows how to fix it, but in order to do that I need to get all my pictures and files from the last few months saved somewhere else so I don't loose them. This would not be a problem, but I can only get about 16 pictures saved at a time before the computer freezes up again. It is very frusterating, but what can you do? Hopefully I can get back to good writing again before Christmas so I can share with you what has been going wonderfully in my life. I am missing being able to write and check up on you all this time of year. Wish me luck in getting our computer back to normal. Thanks!

Roller coaster mind

There have been two times in my life that I have surely suffered through depression. The first time was when I had my heart broken and the second was after Braxton was born and I suffered from postpartum depression. There are other times in my life when I question if I should have been on a medication. Depression actually does run on both sides of my family so I am very aware now of my moods and whether or not they are healthy or out of control. In my patriarchal blessing it warns me of allowing myself to get depressed or discouraged. All this talk leads me to my thoughts about the roller coaster of emotions that seem to be going on the last little bit.

Today I woke up with a happy boy and we played and I thought of all the things I was going to get accomplished today and I was feeling really good. Then the plans had to change and it sent me into a very sad and irritable state. I started to get lonely and texted Kent and told him that I missed him a lot! He sent back a text saying "I love you" and I teared up. It was exactly what I needed.

I have noticed a tendency as an adult for me to get a little down when the days get shorter and the sun isn't out as much. One of my doctors actually suggested to me the possibly of doing some sort of light therapy. I don't know what this entails or how it works, but I may ask my current health care provider about it if this roller coaster of emotions continues too much longer. Right now I actually think that most of this can just be chalked up to holiday stress. I need to get my butt in gear and start exercising so I can deal better with it. I also need to eat right and get good sleep. I can't believe the difference this can make as I have experimented with it in the last few years. That and I need to work on being postitive and be sure to have positive self thinking!

Got my Christmas spirit back!

Wow, what a couple of days. Yesterday I wanted to blog, but I got caught working my one Sunday a month. I feel like I've been going and going since Thanksgiving, but I think it is going to slow down a little now. I feel inclined to start off with telling about today and going through the rest of my weekend in reverse. Today I was feeling really down. We forgot to turn the heat down last night and Braxton and I didn't sleep very well. I woke up with a horrible lack of ambition and started to think about Christmas and felt weighed down. I still had to come up with a present for Kent's dad (the hardest one to shop for) and his mom's present that I ordered the Monday before Thanksgiving still hadn't come in the mail. I had ordered it off ebay and heard after that you are always supposed to go through pay pal and I hadn't so I was getting nervous that I had been cheated out of some money at Christmas time. As I was getting more and more down I realized that I was starting to crave junk food and I was getting ornery and impatient with Braxton. I knew I had to change some things around and be more positive so I ate some carrots, read some scriptures, and took a nap.

Braxton all cuddled up with a little morning bed head

When I woke up to the doorbell I was not too happy. I decided I would see who it was through the peep hole and if I wanted to talk to them I would answer otherwise I was going back to sleep. When I looked out I saw the postman put a package on my doorstep. I knew immediately it was my present for Kent's mom. I called Kent and made him hurry and make a decision on his dad's present. I knew if I got them wrapped and to his brother before he left work in Midvale he would be able to send it down with his mom as she went home after watching his kids. I succeeded and was able to get it done and to him. Now every one's presents are bought except my little family and we can wait for a payday. Besides Braxton doesn't know the difference and Kent and I don't need anything that couldn't be bought later. Now my next tackle will be neighbor presents and I bought part of that a few months ago. So yea for all the fun presents I get to give this year. I am actually very excited about the presents I am giving. I feel that they are fun, nice presents and I haven't really spent a whole lot which helps us out this year. That makes a merry Christmas to me!

Sunday started out really rough too because Saturday we were up late. The alarm didn't go off, but luckily Braxton woke a little before 8 o'clock. We have church at nine and so needless to say we were a few minutes late. Actually I've done really very well lately we have been early or on time most of the time and it feels a lot better. Being tired I was ornery and had a hard time getting the spirit for Relief Society. During Sunday School I took Braxton to play in the nursery. I think I might leave him next week. He does really well and most of the time he doesn't even look to see if I am there or even notice me at all. He's so cute and little next to all the other kids, but seeing him follow the kids down the hall and sit at snack makes him seem SO big too. My baby is growing up. *tear*

Sacrament meeting was excellent! A woman in the ward who is my mom's age and also the mother of the woman I visit teach spoke with her husband and she made me think. I'm hoping to get some of the quotes she used in her talk because they inspired me. She quoted President Hinckley from his book Stand a Little Taller and spoke of how he loves this time of year because of the good nature of people who are trying to be more Christlike. Then she went on to point out that we don't have to complain about the commercialism or the ornery and selfish people or any other negative thing about Christmas. I realized that Christmas hasn't changed as much as people's attitudes have changed. Christmas is as negative or positive as we think it to be. Even Christmas has it's negatives, but we don't have to choose to focus on those this time of year. It's about having more charity and this sister gave a definition of charity that was different than normal. It was about how you think of others and how you react to them. I realized that I too can be more charitable. It really was just a great talk for me to hear.

The funny part about Sunday came after church when I looked for our cookies left over from the ward activity. I looked and looked for them and decided that Kent must have taken them to church and gave them to the scouts. When I asked Kent he told me they were on the fridge. When I looked they were not there. I finally found the box in Braxton's room on the floor. He had found them on the coffee table that morning and had taken them in there while I was in the shower. So now Kent and I know that my son is a little cookie thief.

Finally I will touch on Saturday. The morning was spent cleaning the house while Kent cleared snow at work and then helped the youth collect food donations. Once Kent got home I sent him outside with Braxton while I finished up the bathroom. When I finished I went out for family fun in the snow and found Kent with a giant snowball to start a snowman. The interesting thing is that the path where Kent had rolled the snowball was a narrow oval only about ten to fifteen feet long and the ball was huge! There had been a great snowstorm all night and half the morning so we had to enjoy it. Braxton just walked around in the snow laughing and falling and getting up again. He had great fun.

Saturday evening I had to work until 8:00 pm. At 8:30 we had a couple of friends we were setting up on blind date. I lost track of time and ended up being late to our date that was at our house. It was pretty fun, but hanging out with single people forces you to realize just how much your life has changed from those days. I felt like we were the most boring home bodies that ever there were. That's OK though because I love being home with my family. I love doing anything with my family. Kent and Braxton are great. It's been a great weekend and I am so glad that today has turned out to be better and my attitude has changed. I hate being down, and I am glad to have the knowledge to help me fight it. I am very excited for Christmas and I am looking forward to it once again.

This is for you Holly!

Braxton and Kent were getting cold and went inside without finishing so our snowman is the headless snowman... just so you know you can't come back and add a head a few days later. I tried!

The wards Christmas trip around the world.

Tonight was the ward Christmas party and we did a Christmas around the world. It was a good activity. I was a little worried at first. One of the things I have got to work on is knowing who I have to set up and planning my time accordingly. I always think it will only take so long and I am always doing my last minute things up to and past that last minute. I can only imagine how unorganized it must have looked as people walk in. That is the first thing I need to work on, organization of time and resources. The second thing is I need to communicate until I am blue in the face with those that are helping me from the ward. There were a couple of people who helped with telling about a country that I miscommunicated with and I know that they were upset because they were ill prepared. That makes me feel bad because I put undue stress in their life. The last thing actually ties into the first thing and that is that someone has to have command of the activity when people walk in the door. People need to be greeted, guided and directed as to what is going on at the door.

All the kinks aside it went really well. We were finally able to find someone who knew how to work the sound system and located a microphone. We were able to get all the loose ends tied up and the person who I miscommunicated with was able to make it work anyway. I truly know that this calling is inspired of the Lord and that he will fill in where I lack. We had nine different countries represented. We had Nicaragua (Kent did that country and even though his gallo pinto didn't turn out it was ok because he he had a lot to display), Peru, Brazil, Scandinavia (Sweden and Norway), Italy, Germany, Japan, and South Africa. I got quite a few compliments on the night and the idea. We were going to have each person present for five minutes but as we got going I noticed after five minutes all the presenters still seemed very intent on sharing information. It ended up being eight to ten minutes of information and the activity lasted about two hours. Interestingly enough very few people left early because they wanted to hear about all the countries.

I had also intended to finish off the night with the story fo the nativity done by the primary children. Due to the extra time with the presentations we cut that and singing carols and finished up with cookies and visiting. I felt like it came together extremely well.

Some dark tunnels have to be travelled.

I have had a desire to keep my written life's memories positive, but as I was talking to my sister-in-law yesterday I realized that it is also important to keep it real. If you take it too far on the side of upbeat you may be missing what was really happening, and how can you see the light at the end of the tunnel when you refuse to acknowledge that the tunnel is dark. I write this blog not because Kent and I are in a dark tunnel, but I feel members of Kent's family are headed into a dark tunnel that has to be gone through.

Kent comes from a family of hard work, little emotion, and if you can ignore it and pretend it isn't there it will go away. I have really struggled with this last part. When Kent and I were first married I was complaining about his family and Kent retaliated accusing me of not trying to be a part of them. I told Kent that it was not that I didn't want to be a part, but I didn't know how. I longed to be close to my mother-in-law and be friends, but despite all that I had tried there was a wall that I could not penetrate. In the end Kent and I concluded that we both wanted to be close to his family the way that my family was close but since that wouldn't happen we had to just do our best to accept them the way they were.

As time has gone by I have challenged myself to see the good qualities and I have. I have grown to love some of my mother-in-laws really wonderful qualities. I have heard things that she has done and done my best to dismiss them. This weekend, my mother-in-law hurt one of her children more than was tolerable a I cannot dismiss it. A child was baptised this weekend and cried on her baptism day because her grandmother who lives only three hours away was not there. The reason you ask? A little snow (snow that wouldn't stop her from going to any other grandchild's event) and her favorite grandchildren were at her house. They had come down for the baptism and felt nervous about the snow (understandable with small children who are horrible travellers). Did grandma and grandpa leave them and say they needed to be there for their sweet little grandchild? No! Instead they copped out and stayed when a week earlier grandma had complained to the mother of the baptised child that the time (6:30 pm) was inconvenient for all.

What of the dark tunnel? This family has been the second rate citizens too long. Too often they have forgiven and trusted only to be hurt again and again. When your children LOVE their grandparents and grandma plays favorites but the favorites are not yours the children end up being hurt. This family has had enough and are going to take a long break from grandma and grandpa, but before that a letter will be send to let the communication be clear as to why the long break. The sad thing is that I have tried to rationalize my mother-in-laws actions and make up excuses for my her, but the reality is that my child is already becoming a second rate citizen. He doesn't know any different, and I want so bad to pretend that it is just Kent exagerating and being overly sensitive, but I think he is right.

In the end I am still an opitmist and I believe that in the end things will work out for everyone's good. I believe that my mother-in-law will really hurt and ache for her child's family and there may be some who don't understand and do not agree with the way they handled it. I for one think that they are doing their best to protect their family from many hurts and I hope that in the end it will break down that wall that cannot be penetrated. Until then I will miss that family. My heart will ache for them everytime the family gets together. We will have to drive much farther as will they to see each other. Ultimately it will take a lot of time and much of the Lord's healing power to fix this family. I pray for the Lord to soften the hearts that need to soften so that this family can be a healthy, feeling family as he would have it be. I pray that the Lord will guide and direct this family down this long and dark tunnel so that we can all make it to the light at the end.

Personal History Sunday

Have you ever had a favorite pair of shoes? Describe them.

I can think of three pairs that I have loved. Two are sandals. One is a black pair of platform sandals with straps that wrap around the foot above the toes and a strap around the ankle. The other sandals are also platform and look like they are made of rope material. The straps wrap in the same places that the black sandals do. The second pair are Steve Maden have lasted a very long time and I have loved them. My other favorites are a pair of fashion cowboy boots that are a light tan color. I only got those a few years ago, but I have really enjoyed those as well!

Do you have a favorite painting or artist?

My favorite painting is by Simon Dewey. He's an LDS artist. It is called "Consider the Lilies," It has the Savior and two little children among some calla lilies. I love the look on the faces of the children and the savior. This painting just seems to convey love. The painting is below. Another painting that I have always loved since the first time I saw it is "The Gentle Healer," by Greg Olsen. I think the thing I like most about this painting is the gentle but very strong look of the Savior. I feel like this painting captures best the way I view the Lord my Savior. I also think the title of the picture is perfect as well.