"More Than a Memory"

It's not often anymore that I get to drive in my car by myself and think about the songs on the radio. Today I did. I heard a brand new song by Garth Brooks called "More Than a Memory." It's a song about losing someone who is hard to let go. It talks about picking up the phone and dialing six numbers just to hang it up, and drive past their house just to see if they are home. It took me back to the high school days when I would do those things. Then the song progressed to where I realized that it was a past love and I began to reflect. Can you ever let go of someone COMPLETELY if it was truly love? I've said I love you to five men in my life, and later realized that in some cases I had fooled myself. I do, however, still believe that I loved two of those men, and continue to love one of them.

The first one of course was my first love, and I think that those seem to be immortalized because of the newness of the entire experience. The second one was where I first experienced a deeper and more mature love. Of course, the last is my husband. As I was contemplating my relationships I realized that there will always be a part of me that will feel something a little "more than a memory" when I think about those other two men. For much of my married life I felt guilty for these feelings, but today I realized that it is just something that happens when you love more than once. I'm not saying that I'm still in love with these other two men, but I will always love them for the experiences they brought into my life and for helping to shape me into the person I now am.

The greatest gift these men gave me, in addition to knowing love, was that of knowing how blessed I am to have married the wonderful man I did. It's amazing how much better Kent is for me. I have been brought to this reminder by means of blogging, and facebook as well. This is confession time. After getting really involved in reconnecting with others I have found myself depressed with my own life. Many of my friends have travelled, others are in beautiful homes, others have these fun little families, some take beautiful pictures, and some just have a great attitude about life and see their blessings easily. Well I struggle not to look at the lives of others and see what I do not have.

I have struggled with questions of why don't I have these same things. I would think why don't I have older children to do these fun things with. I have thought why didn't I wait to get married and travel the world? Why don't Kent and I have a home yet? Why can't I be that happy? After much contemplation I came up with the answer. It's simple and profound to me. That's not my life... that's not me. The answer to the last question was the in fact the question, why can't you be that happy? No one is making you unhappy but yourself. I wanted to get married and couldn't wait for that opportunity. Although I really wanted children it wasn't right for us to have them the first three years of our marriage. As for travelling and a house if I want those things I can have them, but it is going to require patience, time, and a lot of financial planning.

In essence I may think that I could of, would of, should of, but I didn't. My life is the product of my choices and if I could go back and do it again I wouldn't change a thing. I would fall in love more than once and have my heart broken so that I would learn to trust in the Lord and allow him to heal me. I would have enjoyed five wonderful years of the single life and maybe love it just a little more. I would get married again when I did and I would start my family at the same time as well. I am so grateful to be me and to have MY experiences. I love my life. I have had the greatest friends, the best family, and the most wonderful experiences.

In turn I hope that all those whose lives I have touched, whose hearts I have broken, and whose days I may have brightened think of me as "more than a memory." Thank you all for being a part of my life and showing me how to live life more fully. You are all "more than a memory" to me and I hope that if you hear that song you will think of me. I love you all.