Our Baby Girl

Dear Kyra,
    You have been on my mind a lot lately. Somewhere between your dad and my birthdays in the next few weeks is your fifth birthday this year. I don't know when since you were never actually born into this world. Recently I've realized that I never really shared much of your story and yet you have been such a strong influence in my life that I need to make sure your siblings know about you and have a way of remembering you so I am writing you this letter.

Your dad and I weren't really planning to get pregnant when you came to us. It was such a surprise that I struggled with knowing that we were expecting again. It's not that I didn't want you as much as I didn't know if I was ready to take on the challenges of having another baby. I was excited about bringing you into our home and nervous about how I'd handle a baby again at the same time.

There were so many things I loved about being pregnant with you. I remember being so proud of the fact that I was pregnant and still running up to 3 miles a day. It felt amazing being able to do that while still carrying a child. Dad didn't want me to tell anyone we were expecting so I kept it quiet, but it was so hard. I remember helping Aunt Cheryl clean out her basement and wondering if I should be lifting some of the heavy boxes I was lifting, but since I couldn't tell her about you I just kept on lifting. I will also never forget how sneaky I felt going to Fish Lake and being able to do everything that my sister-in-laws did but while pregnant and no one knew.

That was one of the last times your little heart beat inside my body. Two weeks later (Week 11) I finally had my first appointment with my midwife. I was so excited to hear your little heart beat. You were still pretty little and so when the midwife said she couldn't find your heartbeat but she wasn't too worried we decided to wait a week and see after a week of growth if you'd be easier to find. The next week I came back and the midwife's assistant listened for a heartbeat and still nothing. She sent us to have an ultrasound. Dad was with me, but he had come straight from work and so we had to drive separately to the ultrasound office. I will never forget that 20+ minutes in the car praying to my Father in Heaven for forgiveness. I felt so guilty that I had felt unsure about having another baby and I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would allow you to be alright and let me keep you. I assured him that I did want you...truly I did! I pleaded with him to let me keep you.

After the ultrasound was finished they told us nothing that I recall, but they had called the midwife and handed me the phone. She informed me that you were gone. Your heart was no longer beating within your chest. I went home and I cried. I cried and I worried that I had done something to cause this. As unsure as I was about having another baby before I couldn't believe how devastating it was to know that you were gone. The midwife prescribed a pill that would help my body to free your tiny body from inside mine. It didn't work. July 24th, 2009 I was taken in for a D&C to clean out the tissues from inside my uterus. I had felt such strong feelings that you were a girl that I asked if I could see you hoping that I could confirm those feelings. I was told that I would not want to see you because it would mostly just be tissues and blood that I would be able to see.

The days that followed I was struggling through the grieving process and completely unaware of the struggle your dad was going through. He asked our dear friend Bob to come over and give us both priesthood blessings. Your dad had been my strength and my rock in a time when I really needed him. It wasn't until I saw the tears well up in his eyes as Bob gave him a blessing that I realized that he too had been mourning your death but had remained strong in order to help me through my process of grief and recovery.

I struggle to put your name in this post because you are such a treasure to me. It took us a while to decide to give you a name because we lost you so early in my pregnancy, but you let us know by the power of the Holy Ghost that you had a mission in this life and a purpose for our family. When I became a mom the first time I didn't know how to care for my baby and still be a good wife to your dad. We had been in the path of drifting apart. Your greatest purpose in this life was to bring our hearts together again and you did that beautifully. Because of that we named you Kyra, as we had read that it's meaning was "light". You had been that light in our marriage. You were a light that we desperately needed.

As I write this 5 and a half years after this experience I find tears on my face. I don't cry because I miss you or I am sad because of your passing. I cry because you have been such a blessing in my life. I will never be able in this life to take you shopping or teach you how to wear make-up or help you understand the world of being a woman or understanding men. I will, however, hold you dear in my heart and always remember that I do have a daughter who watches over her family and helps us to make it home to live with our Father in Heaven again. For you my dear daughter I am truly grateful. Thank you for blessing our lives. I love you!

Love,
    Mom