While in negative self talk I decided that my kids never listen to me and they don't even care to help me. All they want to do is destroy my house. I also decided that my husband doesn't care about me either. He's never home and when he does take a day off it's to go hunting. Now I did remind myself that he needs a break and that his break is also going to provide us meat. However, I still had that lonely unloved feeling that took over. I had a REALLY good cry about all this mind you. Not that it really helped. Just gave me blotchy skin and a headache. I lamented the fact that we never spend time together as a family. I never get the time I need to exercise and I never get my own me time. It feels like my whole life is taking care of everyone else and it's just not fair! When is someone going to take care of me. Of course then I rudely interrupted myself with asking, 'well doesn't Kent spend most of his time at work so he can provide for his family? Does he really not care?' I pushed that thought aside because all I wanted to focus on was my very raw pain. Plus this thought made me question my thoughts and didn't fit in to my pity party thoughts.
Eventually Kent came home and we talked and he did help me to feel a little better as he often does. But now he's gone to bed & I still had things I had to finish up so then it was back to my personal pity party. Thankfully however I started to allow myself to question my thoughts. What if I am looking at Kent thinking 'why don't you love me' but what is really going on in my heart and soul is that I am asking myself 'why don't you love me?'
What I am really saying is, 'Marlies, why don't you love me enough to take care of me. Why don't you love me enough to make exercise and health a priority. You can feel the weight of stress and depression slipping into your mind and body and yet you excuse yourself with the 'I don't have time' statement. You notice your health slipping away in so many ways and you KNOW what you need is exercise, but keep saying maybe tomorrow or next week.' Marlies please love me again. I am worth taking the time to care for. I am worth the time to exercise, eat right, get enough sleep (ok you can start on that one tomorrow), read, fill your spirit with spiritual nourishment & take the time to feel beautiful on the inside and outside. Marlies it's time to love you!
Maybe now after filling my love tank I will stop believing that no one else loves me. Maybe when I start to think that my kids don't listen to me and don't care to help me that I realize it either means that I don't care to listen to myself or help myself or it means that I don't care to listen to or help my kids. Either way feeling sorry for myself is not going to fix this problem. It's time to pull up my boot straps and prove to myself that I love me and that makes me loveable to everyone else who wants to take the time to love me. Because guess what Marlies...I do love you!
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