The right to choose

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." (2 Nephi 2:27)

This is the scripture that came to mind today as I  had my ah-ha moment. Braxton is quite obedient and so good to help me out. He's so good that sometimes he oversteps his bounds with trying to help his brother do the same. Today I was asking Cort to come in the house while I vacuumed up the dirt he dumped from his dump truck onto the carpet. Braxton jumped up to "help" Cort be obedient. I continued to ask Braxton to leave his brother alone, but he just had to help him obey.


Cort allowed Braxton to help him, but as he did I said, "Braxton, sometimes I want Cort to choose to listen all by himself." AH-HA! In that very moment it occurred to me that as adults we often times are guilty of trying to force obedience. How many times have we tried a little too eagerly to "help" someone to the gospel when they are not ready (or help them do anything they are not ready to do for that matter)? The Lord has a plan for everyone, and if he wanted everyone in this world to have the gospel they would. However, we know that his plan includes a choice. Freedom to choose to BELIEVE in Jesus Christ and live with God again or also the freedom to choose NOT to believe.

I have a conviction that there will come a time in the history of men when it will be so plain and clear who Christ truly is and all that He has done for man that it will be easier to believe in Him than not. If you know and understand that concept the urgency to "convert" someone will leave and the desire to love someone as they are will increase. We will understand that while we may not choose the same things for ourselves or our families that we each have that choice to make and it is according to our own understanding and desires that we make those choices.

We should still share our love for the gospel and testify of Christ whether someone is ready or not. We would be well advised to consult the Lord in our efforts and love others how they are right now. If our example leads them to Christ and inspires them to make changes then great! Sure we want our closest friends and family to be happy and have the blessings of the gospel in their lives, but we must remember the old saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Invite, encourage, and set an example that is worth following, but above all remember that it is the spirit that converts hearts not man. Trust God's plan and know that as we share His word that He will tell us who is ready to come unto Christ and when. Until then allow others the right to make their own choices and love them regardless of what those choices are. After all the second greatest commandment is, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself!" (Matthew 22:39)

Spelling Words

The other day Braxton was working on spelling his sight words. I told him that if he could spell 6 words right then he could use my foam letter to spell the next word. As I looked at the paper he had spelled "sex" (six). I laughed to know that first of all he misunderstood that he had to spell 6 words and not the word six and then to spell it incorrectly with an "E" instead of an "I" made me laugh! Nothing better than sweet innocent children who have no idea what they are doing!

Making a Difference

Yesterday I attended my brother's college graduation with my youngest son. It was a challenge. I was so relived to be home where my baby could get a nap. You would think with all that stimulus he would be so exhausted and he would have slept during the 2 hour car ride, and he did, until I had to stop 15 minutes into the trip home. Between the non-napping, chasing my son around at graduation, and a lack of sleep I snapped. I read two emails from customers who wanted to be removed from my mailing list. Big deal right? Not the first time it's happened and I am sure it won't be the last, but somewhere in me I could not allow myself to see a silver lining. All I could feel was unloved, rejected, and refused.

Prior to my breakdown I was reading a book about a woman who had over 90% of her body burned in a plane crash and who survived to tell her story. As I read I found myself being envious of this woman. It made no sense to be envious of someone with terribly difficult challenges just in performing everyday tasks, but I was. I thought of how her difficulty had made people aware of her and want to follow her life. Then negative thoughts began to beat on me. 

"No one wants to here from you. Do you even make a difference in anyone's life by being here? People only care about you if you have amazingly difficult experiences and your life has been truly hard. You haven't (as the speaker said yesterday) flown to the moom or cured cancer, and you aren't the President of the United States so who cares, you can't really make a difference." It went on in this terribly negative manner and even brought me to tears. I wondered why I felt SO unsuccessful and couldn't seem to stop these thoughts. 

Then it hit me. I don't have to fly to the moon, cure cancer, be the President of the United States, or survive some terrible accident or illness to make a difference. I can make the greatest difference by being the best friend, the best wife, the best mother, the best neighbor, etc. I have many ways I can help my friends and neighbors and those within my sphere. Even still one way I can make an impact whether large or small is to recognize the challenges I do face and share them with a hope it will help someone find strength or courage to overcome their own challenges.

What's my challenge you ask? Staying mentally healthy and taking care of myself especially when life gets a little hard. While these challenges seem small they can be terribly difficult and very real especially when these thoughts go unchecked. Today I was not only blessed to see why these thoughts are wrong, but in talking with a friend I was given an understanding of how truly real and serious these thoughts can be when one is dealing with them. It is often one of the most difficult ailments to get a handle on.

After dealing with these feeling yesterday I thought I had overcome them, but soon after a wonderful sacrament meeting I found them coming back to my mind in Sunday School. Cort began to be loud I just didn't want to deal with trying to keep him quiet anymore. I decided to take him into the Relief Society room. When I walked in there my friend's husband was in there and I spoke with him briefly. He had to step out to do some things in the clerks office. After he left I found myself feeling very alone and felt like running home to literally escape that feeling. I justified the idea with the thought that then I can be a good mom and take Cort home to get a nap. There was so much I could accomplish if I went home. As I began to leave the bishop walked by the room and I waited. Then a member of the stake presidency who lives in the ward walked by and again I waited. When no one was in the hall I made a mad dash for it. As I rounded the corner to my car I saw a Sunday School class sitting on the lawn listening to their lesson and noticed the very Young Women I would be taking to Girl's Camp sitting there. 

I thought, "How can I lead by example if I am leaving church? You can't Marlies. You HAVE to go back in." I knew the thought was right so I listened. I went in to attend my Relief Society Meeting and was a little less than excited when I heard the lesson was on a talk entitled, "The Abundant Life." Yeah great my super abundant life yeah right. As it turns out that lesson was exactly for me. Finally I gained the courage to share the feelings of my heart and it also opened the flood gates. I felt like a blubbering fool, but immediately felt heard and loved when I needed it most. That was miracle #1. It was an answer to my prayers.

After Relief Society the teacher of the youth's Sunday School class came over and spoke with me. She shared with me how much God loves me. She had originally intended to sit on the other side of the building with her class, but for some reason she could not sit down. She needed to sit over by the Relief Society doors. Miracle #2 was that someone who I had never spoken with listened to the Lord and blessed my life without knowing why she was doing it. Had her class not been there I would have gone home and missed out on knowing how much God loves me. Talk about making a difference? Her small and seemingly insignificant choice made a huge difference in my life today.

She also told me of the impression her daughter had the other day when I dropped off an invitation for them to attend my Discovery Toys Boutique. My son handed her daughter the invitation and she told her mom of the impression she had to get to know me better. This sister told me her daughter is inactive, but lives in the neighborhood with her mom. As I reflected on her story when I returned home I recalled a portion of my prayer this morning where I asked Heavenly Father to allow me to see one of His children return home. Perhaps he wants me to make a difference in this daughters life. Perhaps He loves me enough to let me do that.

Prayer does work. Our Heavenly Father does love us and is aware of our challenges. He will not leave us to deal with these challenges alone. He will comfort us and come to us in our time of need, but we have to be willing to take His hand and trust in His plan even when it doesn't make sense to us. Who knew that I would walk out those doors and that the only thing that would stop me from leaving would be my need to set an example for those young women, certainly not their teacher, certainly not the girls. Only my Heavenly Father knew how much I needed that lesson and knew how to keep me from leaving. Today I am more than grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me dearly enough to walk with me and protect me when I need it most. 

Back to Life as a Mother!

Today there is much to be done and I am sure it would be good if I could get it all done, but for now the to-do list is going to wait. The bread can wait to be made, the law can wait to be mowed and all those other items can be done later as well. Right now I need to take a moment to reflect on being better. The last two days I have been having a pity party. Poor me who has to endure the long hours my husband works. I probably won't see him again until October. Wahhh wahhhhh! Yes, please call me the wambulance.

Then this morning after my kindergartner went to school I hopped on Facebook while eating breakfast and saw an article about motherhood. I read it while my baby kept trying to get my attention and when I completed it I was inspired by the article to get down and play with him. I forget how therapeutic hearing a little boys laugh can be. We played hide and seek and I jumped out to get him and heard the most delighted giggle. I don't do that nearly often enough. I know I don't.

In the middle of all this play I was texting a friend and we were talking about motherhood. We conversed about how we should cherish every moment because they grow up fast. As my friend had made that statement I thought of my beautiful sister-in-law Holly who continues to battle a disease that challenges her daily life and fights her for her very life. I realized that even if kids did not grow up fast we truly have no idea how long we'll be blessed to raise these children. Even though I sometimes feel like chop liver when it comes to my boys the thought of not being here to teach them all I can makes me sad. The idea of them not having a mom breaks my heart. My baby not remembering me and not knowing how much I love him pains me.

I'm not sorry to say that the pity party is over. It is time to get to work on those things that need to be done. No more feeling sorry for myself because time is valuable. There is fun to be had, laughing, dancing, and singing to do, and in between some work to get done. There is no more time to feel sorry for myself. It is time to eat my fruits and vegetables, make a more concerted effort to get my workouts in, drink plenty of water and start living life as it was meant to be lived because as Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."