Secret to Longevity?

"To my friends in a relationship 5 years or longer: What's your secret to longevity? Go!" This was the post of my friend on Facebook. With yesterday being my 9th wedding anniversary it has got me thinking. What is the so called "secret"? Does 5 years REALLY count as longevity? What should I change and what should I keep the same over the next nine years. 

The secret? Commitment, sacrifice, selflessness, compromise, spirituality, understanding, and sex (well if you want to know the secrets...???). First of all it takes commitment. Too many people are entering relationships with the idea that they are trying on clothes to see if they should buy. America marriage is NOT a shopping spree! You don't try out every flavor and wear out an outfit only to return it in a matter of years. It is a commitment. Relationships are more like goals. 


For example in my schooling years I had the goal to graduate (I know I was a reach for the stars kind of gal what can I say).  In that goal I had to put forth effort as you do with any worthy goal. I had to #1 show up to school EVERY day. #2 I had to ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE in the learning process. #3 I had to do my homework.


Same thing with marriage. Having a successful marriage is a goal so therefore it requires work. You have to be committed to being happily married EVERY day. Of course you are going to have good times and bad, but truly it is a choice you BOTH have to make to show up to that relationship 100% committed EVERY day.


How do you actively participate in your marriage? It's easy. Talk to eat other in peaceful tones. We have so many ways to communicate (ie: texting, Facebook, phone call, face to face) these days why not use those ways to communicate with your spouse? You also have to be willing to get active together. That includes (but is not limited to) date nights, family togetherness, exercise, support each others events, hug, kiss, be intimate on many levels. If you are viewing your marriage as a spectator then you have got it ALL wrong!


Just as in school marriage has homework (so to speak) except in marriage the homework comes when you are away from home. When you are not together are you still presenting yourself as a married woman/man? Are you faithful to your marriage in thoughts, deeds, and actions? A happily married person has NO desire really to look for love and acceptance from a member of the opposite sex outside of their marriage. This last comment may draw some criticism, but to them I would say can someone who is looking for love and acceptance outside their marriage REALLY be happy? Really? If you find you are craving that attention make sure to be honest with yourself and be willing to admit that to your spouse. Make sure to let them know that you are seeking for their help to get things back on track.


Now as to longevity I think if you really want to know the secret look beyond a 5 year marriage example to a  30 and 40 and 50 year marriage example. These people know something of hard work and longevity. Today I talked with a friend about a couple who has been married probably about 40 years or so. The wife has been battling cancer for a few years now and she is losing the battle. If you want to know about longevity talk to the husband who is selflessly working to keep his wife comfortable when comfort cannot be found. Talk to the man who is sick with worry over his wife and wonders how he can better help her. Talk to the man and woman who still have date night even if it is just sitting on the couch holding hands while they watch "Sleepless in Seattle." If you want to know about how to make a marriage last ask yourself who you are more concerned with, yourself or your spouse. I know even I at 9 years of marriage have found myself far too concerned about me and what I want when I should have been more concerned about my spouse and how I can help him.

I guess that would be the first thing I would change. I need to be sure and realize that when I am thinking about myself I am not thinking about him and what I can do to help him. I will stop expecting him to know what I want when I have not told him. I can stop setting unnecessary expectations of him in my mind. I will start understanding when he is too tired to stay up late and visit with me. I will be slow to anger and quick to understand.


What would I keep the same in my next 9 years? I would still sit and listen and try to understand when my husband talks about a work project that I know nothing about. I'll be sure to back up every decision he makes in regards to my family and our children. I'll still try and make him laugh even if all I get is the slight turning up of the corners of his mouth. On those days when all I can see is who he isn't and what he doesn't do I will fight to quiet those thoughts and remind myself who he IS and what he DOES do.


In a few words the secret to longevity is not giving up on your marriage, loving your spouse unconditionally, and providing heartfelt service to one another. One thing I have often said of marriage is that "The grass is not greener on the other side. It's just another kind of grass." If you want to be happily married start by believing you ARE happily married and then behave as such. It's likely that as you start to focus on loving and service your spouse that they will in turn want to love and serve you. If you and your spouse want longevity in your marriage then you will put a lot of hard work into making it happen. It is said that anything in life that is worth having is worth working for!