They say the having a baby is a wonderful miracle, but what happens when the consequences of that miracle put your mind, your marriage, and your whole world into a state of shock? That is what my life has been for probably the past month. Don't get me wrong. I do love my baby, but as I look back at Braxton's life I have to say that handling him as a baby has been the hardest part of raising him so far. Once we got him to sleep through the night it was mostly smooth sailing. Due to my loss of sleep my mind has been "short circuiting" and I have been back to struggling with some depression. I can't over emphasize the fact that there is literally a moment to moment battle for control of my mind. Interestingly enough I believe this has happened every year at this time for a while now. I have finally recognized that it's not that my husband neglects me or my marriage goes into failure this time of year as I had thought. It's that there is a literal battle for my thoughts.
However, through this struggle I have been blessed. My Heavenly Father has been teaching me every day what the truth was. For some reason when our bodies are the most frail at the end of a long winter our souls are frail as well, or at least mine is. I have realized with that weakness I have allowed Satan to plant thoughts in my mind that should have been discarded immediately. Interestingly enough this understanding has come from the example that was set by a young man I dated in college and his family. It was amazing to me to see a couple who said they had never had to "work" at their marriage. At the time I believed that I would be married to this young man and as we discussed marriage he told me that he and I would have a marriage even better than his parents had. I had not understood that this idea would not happen by magic, but rather through control over our thoughts.
Bryce's parents honestly did have a wonderful relationship. I remember hearing once that his mom after 20+years of marriage still got butterflies when her husband entered the room. A few years into my marriage I thought on this and thought 'yeah right'. Now as I think I realize that the success of their marriage came through the control they had over their thoughts. Of course no one is perfect, but just think if rather than focusing on what our spouse is not doing we should think every day about all the hard work they do to make our families function.
For instance, Kent is one on the hardest workers I know. He pushes himself to keep working even when he is tired and these days even working from early morning to late night and even on 3 hours of sleep. Maybe he's such a hard worker because of all the years that his mom would tell her children how lucky they were that their dad worked so hard for them. On top of all his hard work he never complains when his little baby wakes him up at 3 in the morning. He just tells his boss he'll be in early when his baby wakes him up, and this morning when I was too tired to get up and feed him Kent was more than happy to give him a bottle for me.
It doesn't stop there. The other night we had about 6 inches of snow fall and after completing his second job at about 11 o'clock or so he took the time to think of others and make sure they had cleared walks for in the morning. He is so willing to give to others and when he gets frustrated it's because he doesn't understand why it's so hard for others to give a helping hand as quickly as he does. Yet too often I have allowed Satan to tell me what Kent is not doing and I allow my heart to close off and become selfish and believe that he is not doing near enough to serve me. When it is the exact opposite. Kent is living his life not only in the service of others, but he is working so hard to provide me with the things that I need and allowing me the opportunity to stay home and raise my children.
I have been very blessed to have married such a great man and yet far too often I have allowed Satan to get into my head and convince me otherwise. When I think back to my honeymoon there is a picture of some words I wrote in the sand saying, "Kent is the best husband ever!" Those words may have long washed away, but that doesn't mean that they are any less true. I do have the best husband in the world. As long as I think that and know that and feel that it will continue to be true. I not only have the best husband, but I have the best kids and the best life. I am going to make that my focus and continue to see where my life can only be improved. I have been blessed with wonderful friends in my life. I have a wonderful family. I have been able to live an amazing life that has allowed me to be who I am, and I am thankful to know that I can look myself in the mirror and still like who I see. As long as that is true there is no problem in my life that I can't tackle!
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