Earth's Crowning Jewel

When I was asked before we found out the sex of this baby what I wanted I truthfully said I just want a healthy baby. The last week has brought a flood of feelings that have been surprising to me. For those of you who have read the Five Love Languages book my prime love language is Quality Time. For those of you who have not read it...read the book. This is a great love language as long at there is plenty of quality time to be had. In the case of life right now when Kent is working 2 jobs which last week had him working nearly 90 hours it has made me feel incredibly unloved and unappreciated.

These feelings of a low love tank have brought some very down feelings and those feelings have been compounded by the prospect of having a boy. Basically the feelings that have flooded my mind have been concern that I am going to be stuck in a house full of males who enjoy doing manly things and who aren't too concerned with taking care of the mom. I have tried to tell myself how foolish this thinking is and change my direction of thinking, but those thoughts just kept overwhelming me and making me more and more concerned about the idea.

Kent and Braxton went down south this weekend to help Travis with cows and I decided that I was going to shower myself with my own quality time. For the most part it worked on Friday. Then Saturday came and all these built up feelings came crashing down on me. I'm sure it was a combination of hormones, not enough sleep, and my circumstances, but these feelings were real none the less. Saturday morning I walked up to the park to walk around the track and these concerns overcame me. As I had conference piped into my ear all I could see was boys and dads playing baseball and all I could hear were the discouraging thoughts inside my head. I walked the track choking back tears and wishing I could walk longer, but I couldn't handle being around so many happy people as I struggled to control my thoughts and emotions.

I had planned to attend the temple that day so I went home and prepared to go. I went and did my temple session which was nice and then stayed in the celestial room for a few moments to read scriptures & pray. It was all very nice, but it didn't cure my mind and that discouraged me more. Kent and Braxton decided to stay in Meadow that afternoon and go boating with Travis which only fed into my negative mind set even more. I felt as though I was drowning and yet no one would throw me a life preserver. The swamp conditioner seemed to be broken so I struggled even to sleep my problems away.

Then a light at the end of the tunnel came upon awakening this morning. I turned on the radio to Sunday music and the first song I heard was Oh My Father. The third verse has a phrase that says, "in the heavens are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare. Truth is reason, truth eternal, tells me I've a mother there." As those words were sung I realized that I have a Heavenly Mother who my Heavenly Father holds so sacred that he don't not share much about her with the world for fear of how they will defain her name.

If my Father holds my Mother with such respect what does that say about me as the mother of this family? How much does my Father in Heaven love me a daughter who was created in the image of my Heavenly Mother? In addition to those thoughts the spirit reminded me how much my boys owe me for bringing them into this world. If not for me and the sacrifices I make this family could not exist. There would be no children and Kent would not be a father or a husband. As these thoughts replaced the previous ones I was reminded of the last time I was in the temple and I was taught that the earth was not complete until Eve was created. In fact the Lord called her His crowning jewel of all the creations. All of these thoughts reminded me that the Lord loves me whether I am a mother of boys or a mother of girls or a mother of both.

There may come times in this family of boys that I am neglected. There may be just as many times I am neglected if I were the mother of girls, but I don't need to fear for the Lord loves me and he will help me in my tasks. I was brought to this earth for a reason and I am Kent's wife for a reason. I am the mother of two boys because I am supposed to be. I am the woman who was chosen to lead and guide and nurture this family. The Lord has entrusted me with this calling and He will not leave me. In the end if I find I am neglected I know that the Lord can make up for the shortcomings and imperfections of my family. As long as I look to the Lord for my help and my strength I have no need to fear.